French Glory

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In honor of France's contribution to the War against Terror, we present these jokes about the French. To some, the term "French Jokes" refers to modern-day Frenchmen themselves. The color yellow was not chosen by accident for these comments.

We hope that this page is as deeply offensive to anti-American French people as their President's behavior has been to us.

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Don't Forget to Boycott French Goods!

Approximately 130 Jokes as of Aug 2, 2003

The French Government has banned the term "e-mail!"
A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its rear end when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?"

"No way," said the zoo keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its rear?"

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

George Bush, Jaques Chirac and Tony Blair all go hunting. At the end of the night, they are cleaning their game and having a drink when Tony Blair stands, throws a bottle of whiskey in the air and yells "For Queen and country". He then pulls out a pistol and shoots the bottle out of the air.

Chirac stands and throws a bottle of champagne in the air screaming, "Viva la France". He, too, pulls his pistol and shoots the bottle.

George, not to be out done throws a can of beer in the air and pulls out his pistol. Then he shoots Chirac and yells "It doesn't get any better than this".

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

You are the President of the United States. Dozens of astronomers have spotted a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in three days, at approximately 3:30 a. m. EST. The meteor is large enough to wipe France from the face of the earth.

France and the UN have requested that the United States immediately send all available ships and aircraft to evacuate the French population. Hundreds of thousands of French people are gathered on Omaha Beach at Normandy hoping for U. S. ships to appear on the horizon.

The ships and planes you could send are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As President, you must decide: (1) Do you stay up that night to watch live coverage of the impact, or (2) Do you tape it and watch it the next day?

WHY NOW? The U. S. "needs more time" to consider the request for evacuation. We need absolute proof that there is a meteor. The alleged meteor is not visible to the naked eye. UN meteor inspectors should be sent to astronomical observatories next month to spend 90 days carefully examining photographic evidence of the alleged meteor, and then present their findings to the Security Council. The reason for the request should be carefully evaluated, and the U.N. should be asked to fully debate the subject and then give UNANIMOUS consent to a resolution showing that the whole world supports the request. The U. S. should not act unilaterally, hastily, precipitously, nor preemptively. EVERY member nation should contribute ships to the effort before the U. S. takes any action whatsoever.

According to a high ranking French source wishing to remain anonymous, French leadership was enormously relieved that Iraq was overrun by Coalition forces faster than France was overrun by Germany in WWII.

Had the French not hindered the Coalition Forces, France might have remained the world's most easily conquered nation.

This proves that Chirac is not quite as dumb as the world thinks, and that treachery has once again served France's national needs.

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.
There's an old saying...
Raise your right hand if you like the French...
Raise both hands if you are French.
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
---General George S. Patton
A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!"

The French general asks "Why did you do that?"

The American general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope."

A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"

Tony Blair goes to Washington to meet George Bush. Halfway through a motorcade Tony leans over to George and says "I desperately need to relieve myself."

"No problem" says George and leans over to whisper in the drivers ear. The car screeches to a halt outside an impressive building and the President leads the Prime Minister inside.

Inside the doors there is a large marble hall with a huge fountain and tapestries hanging on the walls. George Bush unzips himself and relieves himself on the floor, Tony follows suit.

When he is finished George walks over to the fountain and washes his hands, drying them on the tapestries. Tony again copies the President.

"This is a very impressive place" says Tony "What do we do now?"

"Anything you like" replies the President, "Its the French Embassy"

A Frenchman, an American, and a Brit were all busy getting drunk in Saudi Arabia when the cops burst in. They were soon sentenced to death, but through good lawyers, the three men were able to reduce their sentence to life. As luck would have it, it was a Saudi holiday, so the judge said, "Because it's a holiday you will each recieve 20 lashes and be let go.

It is customary to grant one wish before punishment. The Brit thinks and says, "Strap a pillow on my back." They do, but it only holds for 10 lashes.

The Frenchman sees this, and requests two pillows on his back. These only hold for 15 lashes.

The judge turns to the American and says "Because you are from such a respectable country, you get 2 wishes."

The American replies, "I wish to be flogged 100 times, not 20." The judge thinks this is very honerable and asks "And your second?"

The American answers "Strap the Frenchman to my back."

Q: Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes?
A: In France. Q: What's the definition of confusion? A: Father's day in Paris.
Q: Why do zee French have zee onion and zee Arabs has zee oil?
A: Because zee French had zee first pick.
Q: How do you brainwash a Frenchman?
A: Fill up his boots with water.
Q: Is it rude to call a Frenchman a frog?
A: Yes, it is unfair to amphibians.
Q: Why did the French start using garlic?
A: To improve their breath.
Q: How are French babies born?
A: With their hands up (surrendering).
Q: How many generations does it take to learn ingratitude?
A: Trois
A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains for dinner. She saw that American and British brains were $4.95 per lb and French brains were $450.00 per lb. She gasped and asked the butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint.

"No ma'm," answered the butcher. "That is the correct price."

"Well, why are the French brains so expensive?" exclaimed the cannibal.

"Do you know how many French it takes to get a pound of brains?" replied the butcher.

Q: Wy don't the French want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
A: He hates America, he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French.
Conan O'Brien
Q: Why do Frenchmen wear berets?
A: So they know which end to wipe.
Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures. just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done.
Jay Leno
Q: Why do the French call their fighter the "Mirage"?
A: Because it's never seen in a combat zone.
Q: How do you kill a Frenchman?
A: Slam the toilet seat down when he's getting a drink.
Q: What do you call a French fighter coming to the rescue of American and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert?
A: Mirage
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemeies.
Q: Why do French naval ships have glass bottoms?
A: To see all their other ships.
Q: Why do the French use a lot of bleach on their sheets?
A: So you can see their white flags better.
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion.
The French are to warfare what the British are to cooking.
Donald Rumsfeld was being heckled by a French anti-war weenie when he suddenly turned and asked the Frenchman:

"Excuse me. Do you speak German?"

The Frenchman replied "No."

Rumsfeld looked him in the eyes and said "You're welcome."

Q: How did the French react to German reunification?
A: They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.
Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armor on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac
Q: What is the other way to spell the name of the French president?
A: Jacques ChIraq.
A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
Q: Why is it good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.
Q: What is the French battle flag? A: It is three white fleur-de-lies on a white background.
Q: Why do Frenchmen always wear yellow ties?
A: To match their teeth.
Q: What's the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman's soap.
A: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand?
Q: More sand.
Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered?
A: Table for one hundred thousand, sir?
Q: How can you tell if a Frenchman has been in your back yard?
A: Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant.
Q: What do you do if you drive over a Frenchman?
A: Reverse!
Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his license to practice medicine?
A: He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's a shame, he was the best veternnarian in town!
Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it.
A French rifle for sale on ebay:
   "It's never been fired and it's been dropped only once."
Q: Why do Frenchmen have moustashes?
A: To remind them of their mothers.
You really do have to hand it to the French...
After all, they won't fight for it.
President Bush and the french ambassador were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President explained:

"If we don't stop Hussein soon, any future conflict with this madman would be a nuclear bloodbath. "

The interpreter couldn't translate this, however, since there is no word for "bath" in French.

Q: How many French soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five:

  1. one to sit on his butt and watch and do nothing.
  2. one to turn tail and run.
  3. one to roll over.
  4. one to surrender to the light bulb and snitch out occupied sockets.
  5. and one to pick up a phone and cry to the United States.

Q: What happens when a Frenchman doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.
Q: How do you ruin a French party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, Chirac. He stands still and Europe revolves around him.
Q: What does "Maginot" mean in German?
A: Welcome!
Q: Why did the Frenchman sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Frenchman is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.

Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.

Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the French are at screwing.
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It doesn't matter; if you're depending on the French to do the job, it's screwed anyway.
French tanks have 6 gears, 5 reverse and 1 forward. The forward gear exists in case they are attacked from behind.
Q:Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A:So the French can show them how to surrender.
Q: What do you do if a Frenchman throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.
Q: What do you do if a Frenchman throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
Q: Did you hear about the French helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
Q: How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Q: How do you break a Frenchman's finger?
A: Hit him on the nose.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.
Q: How do you confuse a Frenchman?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.
Q: How do you keep a Frenchman in suspense?
True quote from French President Jacques Chirac:

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.

Obviously he was speaking for the French!

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead Frenchman In the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: What does it say on the bottom of a Perrier bottle in France?
A: Open other end.
Q: Did you hear about the French hockey team?
A: They all drowned in spring training.
Q: Did you hear about the new automatic French parachutes?
A: They open on impact.
Q: Did you hear about the French submarine with a screen door?
A: Don't laugh... it keeps the fish out.
George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a Parisian sauna. Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound.

President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped. The others looked curiously at him. "Oh, that was just my pager", said George. "I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm."

Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing. Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped. The Prime Minister explained, "That was my cell phone, chaps. I have a telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand.

"By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of low-tech. Without saying anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned momentarily. When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him increduously.

It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Frenchman's posterior.

When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned astonishment: "Marie sainte! I'm think I'm getting a fax."

Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried.
Q: What color is the American flag?
A: Red, White, and Blue.
Q: What color is the British flag?
A: Red, White, and Blue.
Q: What color is the French flag?
A: White.
Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.
Q: What did France used to be called?
A: Germany, and then we saved them.
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.

The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A. The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.
Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A: A bisexual.
An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman are visited by a genie who grants them one wish each.

The Englishman wishes he was transported to a beautiful paradise.

The American wishes he was rich and famous.

The Frenchman wishes the Englishman and the American were back to make his mind up for him.

Q: Did you hear about England's new zoo?
A: They put a fence around France.
Q: How do you get a one-armed Frenchman out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: How did the Germans conquer France so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the French thought they were leavling.
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in France?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians at the Pentagon.
A: The Axis of Weasels.
Q:The American military wears combat boots. What does the French military wear?
A: Track shoes.
Q: How do you sink a French battleship?
A: Put it in water.
A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.
The bartender says "HEY! You can't bring that pig in here."
The Frenchwoman says "Excuse me...but that's a duck."
The bartender says back, "Excuse ME, but I was talking to the duck."
Despite making what most observers agreed were "obvious technical errors," such as surrendering, the Taliban were awarded victory in the Afghanistan war last night after the French judge said they won on presentation.
Q: Did you hear bout the French Kamikaze?
A: He flew 30 successful missions.
A French firing squad stands in a circle, then surrenders.
Once upon a time there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".

An American is walking down the street when he sees a Frenchman with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.

Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."

The Frenchman grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

Q: What do French recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.
Q: Why did the French agree to build the channel tunnel?
A: To make it easier to escape to England when the Germans come again.
Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
A: They are a big buyer of running shoes.
Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup championship so wildly?
A: It was the first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.
Q: What is the most useful thing on a French Army Tank?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
Q: What's green, cold, slimey and croaks?
A: A Frenchman
Q: How do you sink an American battleship?
A: Have the French build it.
Q: Whats the difference between a frenchman and a bucket of merde?
A: The bucket!
Q: Why don't the French eat M&M candies?
A: They're too hard to peel.
The French Open tennis tournament had to be cancelled. France has plenty of rackets, but no balls.
Q: Why don't credit cards work in France?
A: No word for "Charge."
Seen on back of restroom door:
"Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth to another Frenchman. "
Q: What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast.
Q: What's the similarity between a Frenchman and a cue ball?
A: The harder you hit them, the more english you get out of them.
Q:Why do Doctors like to operate on the French?
Because they have no guts and their heads and asses are interchangeable.
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain
"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter
We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P. J O'Rourke (1989)
Q: Why are the French such great chefs, great lovers and lousy soldiers?
A: 'Cause they're all tongue and no guts.
Q: Why is French Foreign Legion the only division with courage in the whole French Army?
A: 'Cause it's the French FOREIGN Legion.
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
---John McCain, US Senator from Arizona
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno
The Tour de France is so popular with the French because it's the one sport where you don't need balls.
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman

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