My Plan for France
Mon March 15th, 2004 23:02 MSTToday we find out that France is kissing up to another enemy of freedom:
China and France will hold rare joint naval exercises off the mainland’s eastern coast on Tuesday, just four days before Beijing’s rival, Taiwan, holds presidential elections.
[Thanks Puppyblender]
That insignificant country is just getting more and more annoying, so I’ve come up with a plan. The only complication is that France has Weapons of Mass Destruction (nukes).
So here is the Moore plan for France:
- Using a false flag operation (an agent who pretends to be an Iraqi), purchase all of their nuclear weapons with a complex, illegal oil transaction.
- Sink their Navy. This should be no challenge. We’ve done it once before.
- Put together one Marine combat company composed of Marine cooks.
- Inform France that we are going to conquer them, so they can organize their surrender
- Conquer France with the company of cooks. All Marines are fighters, and one company should be enough to conquer France.
- Have the Cooks acquire most of what is good in France - their food and their chefs, and send them back to the states.
- Use Agent Orange on their vineyards. California wine is better anyway (by objective tests).
- Bombard them with deoderant. Not being familiar with the product, they will fear it is a chemical weapon and surrender again (it’s always good to get several surrenders from the French, they are sneaky).
- Replace their government and school teachers with Southern Baptist missionaries. That will put an end, over time, to their decadent culture.
- Repeat as necessary, except for step 2, which is only needed once.
Step 2 isn’t really necessary. It will sink by itself (see: Charles de Gaulle).
I don’t see what France wants with Tiawan. There is no OIL there. Now there is some in the South China Sea, which several nations claim.
“We are not fighting so that you will offer us something. We are fighting to eliminate you.”
-Hussein Massawi, former leader of Hezbollah,
abe
I must protest this rush to an unnecessary, over-hasty, and unilateral war. Do not send in the Marine cooks only to withdraw them. How do you ask someone to be the last cook to leave France?
First build a true international coalition (I suggest the Mongols, the Bangladeshi, and the Locusts as first recruits).
Give the inspectors time to do their job. In fact, I’ll volunteer to be an inspector on any effort sanctioned by the United Nations (or at least by American Express). It’s a dirty job, but as the French say, “C’est un travail sale. Laisser les américains sales le font.”[“Eet ezz a dairty chob. Let zee dairty Americains do it.”].
Particular attention should be paid to uncovering and disposing of WMC—Wines of Mass Consumption. The Monster Chirac is reliably reported to have WMC hidden in small dusty bottle in chateaux scattered around the infamous “Yummy Oblong”, which runs from the Pyrenees to the Rhine. Lightening inspection visits will be necessary, followed by leisurely verification lunches and dinners.
Defoliating the French vineyards may be counterproductive. Without the competition from cheap French wines, California wines will be more expensive. Consider that the French grapes are growing on AMERICAN rootstock! This is clearly unjust! Even Democrats will support getting to the root causes of our grievances. What we should do is expropriate the vineyards and put them in trust, managed by the VA for oh, say, Vietnam veterans, with monthly . . . er, nightly distribution of proceeds in kind.
Sean, you are so right… except I get the job of being the food inspector, and my sanction will be Visa. I am qualified, having lived in France practicing that profession (at breakfast, lunch, dinner and beyond), and having worked for Visa.
Disagree about step 2 only being needed once. Nelson sunk the French Navy (along with most of the Spanish Navy as well) in 1805. Between 1940 and 43, the British and American Navies (with some help from the French themselves), had to sink it again. Now in 2004, it needs another dunking. Seems like once a century, so we should pencil in 2120 perhaps.
Unless Gary is right.
John,
I was talking about being on a team. No need to go down the unilateralist road, or as they say in France, “vous le cochon avide pour sucer pâté”.
Sean, you are so right.
I will sneak in first so nobody will know.