Letter to Ted
Fri April 9th, 2004 14:09 MST
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Dear Osama:
Many thanks. What is your weight-loss trick? Would love to hear about it.
Though we haven’t met, we have much in common, you know. When you were helping the Taliban, I particularly understood your treatment of women. Useless wretches. Well, not exactly useless if you know what I mean, ha ha.
I’m something of an ascetic myself, though. On some days, I can confine my hatred to everything EXCEPT myself. Robert Byrd, the elder Imam of my party, helps me daily in this quest, as does the Grasshopper, Kerry.
Byrd, as you know, has been a great help to us. He isn’t in good health, however, and I found him in the hallway with his spittle-catcher still in place. Embarrassing. I remember to remove mine when I leave the office. Grasshopper gave them to us a couple years ago. The dry-cleaning bill has dropped by half, not that we pay for it anyway. The taxpayers do. Fools.
I’m doing my best to interfere with anything which would interfere with you. What fun.
Yours,
Teddy